Understanding Love: Navigating Relationships

The Nature of Love and Relationships

What is love? What does love look like? How do we get the love we want? As humans, we all have a longing for deep connections with others. We desire to share our lives with someone special. But what does that look like in real life?

Many of us have watched fairy tales and Hallmark movies that showcase the exciting and passionate aspects of love. However, these portrayals often overlook the challenges that come with loving someone. Relationships, whether romantic or platonic, require effort. When I say they take work, I mean that both people must be willing to invest in the relationship.

The Importance of Mutual Effort

Relationships that involve one-sided effort often end in pain and resentment. Healthy conflict is about listening for understanding, which fosters growth in the relationship. When we listen merely to win an argument, the focus shifts from growth to finding faults.

John Gottman, a renowned couples therapist, identifies what he calls "The Four Horsemen" of relationships: Criticism, Contempt, Defensiveness, and Stonewalling.

The Four Horsemen of Relationships

• Criticism: This is the first horseman. Criticizing a partner, family member, or friend is often perceived as a personal attack. Instead of addressing a concern, it becomes about attacking the person.

  
  

• Contempt: The second horseman is contempt, which is more damaging than criticism. It makes the other person feel despised and worthless, creating an assumption of superiority over them.

  
  

• Defensiveness: The third horseman usually arises in response to criticism. When an attack occurs, defensiveness twists the situation to make it the other person's fault. This behavior escalates conflict rather than resolving it.

  
  

• Stonewalling: The fourth horseman is the most detrimental. Stonewalling happens when someone withdraws, shuts down, or stops responding. Examples include tuning out, turning away, acting busy, or engaging in distracting behaviors.

  
  

The Rise of Estrangement

In recent years, estrangements have become increasingly prominent within families and other relationships. Estrangements bring pain, resentment, fear, and a myriad of other emotions. They often stem from a lack of listening for understanding and unmet or unspoken expectations.

When we listen for understanding, even though it can be a difficult and painful process, healing and healthy connections can repair relationships. I’m not referring to situations involving true abuse or neglect; rather, I’m speaking about relationships where boundaries are crossed repeatedly. Instead of communicating and re-establishing those boundaries, stonewalling occurs.

Reflecting on Estrangements

I challenge you to look inward: Is the estrangement due to genuine abuse or neglect? Or is communication simply difficult and exhausting? If it’s the latter, are you truly listening for understanding? Or are you expecting something instead of managing your expectations and meeting the person where they are?

The Path to Repair

I want to reiterate that relationships are hard, and there is no rulebook for them. However, as long as both parties are willing to work on the relationship, repair is possible. For those who did not choose to be estranged from a partner, family member, or friend, I encourage you to be kind to yourself. You did the best you could with the tools you had.

Through this process, your worth and character have been tested. Remember, you are someone worth having conflict with to foster healthy relationships. Just because your partner, family member, or friend did not recognize your worth does not mean you deserve the treatment they have given you.

Finding Support

If you are feeling overwhelmed by addiction, trauma, or anxiety, know that you don’t have to carry that burden alone. I offer a compassionate space where you can heal. Utilizing methods like Brainspotting, I can help you learn vital tools for emotional regulation and setting healthy boundaries.

We also provide specialized support such as ESA letters, FMLA paperwork, and clinical supervision for associate therapists. Isn’t it time you started thriving?