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Sometimes we are merely existing, and it feels like the world is caving in. Life can feel insanely frustrating and overwhelming all at the same time. When we feel like the world is closing in, our fight/flight/freeze/fawn/flop mechanisms kick into high gear. We all deal with fear and frustration differently. Most of the time we either fight or we experience flight, but the ones talked about the least is freeze, fawn, flop. Fight: facing the challenge head on rather aggressively. Flight: running away from the threat to get to a place of safety. Freeze: the threat is there, but a mental and physical paralysis takeover. Fawn: people pleasing so that the conflict will be extinguished. Flop: physically collapsing or fainting, becoming unresponsive. The 5 F's are trauma responses that we have learned help us survive. Some will only use one consistently, and others will use different ones depending on the person or circumstance that they encounter. These responses can be helpful at times for the short term; however, for the long term, these responses can have a negative impact. Learning how to have assertive conversations can help ease a trauma response. Disclaimer, it doesn't mean that once you have assertive conversations that the trauma responses cease to exist, but it does mean that having those conversations lessens the likelihood for a trauma response. Trauma work is a slow and sometimes painful process to work through; but once we start consistently working through the traumas it allows us to see how far we have come. For all of the hurt and disaster that trauma often leaves us with, there is a silver lining, we become resilient and more confident in ourselves. The silver lining is usually only seen once we begin working through our traumas with therapy and support. Even when we are in the depths of trauma or trauma work, the light will shine through, even if it's only a sliver at first. I leave you with this: It does get better, sometimes it gets way worse before it gets better, but it does get better.

We have all had times where we have felt stuck and we don't know what is coming next. When we have felt helpless and hopeless. Those are the times where generally one of two things will happen: we rise to the challenge or we are consumed by the despair of our circumstance. More often than not when we rise to the challenge we see our own strength and our confidence builds. It is not always easy to face the challenges in our lives. Sometimes we need to give ourselves permission to feel the feelings of hopelessness. The key is to not live in the feelings of hopelessness, but to find a path to move forward. When we decide it is time for a change or a pivot in life, that is when we build resilience to challenging circumstances. When we face the things that scare us, and come out on the other side unscathed, we can celebrate how far we have come. Life is a journey which should be enjoyed. We all have struggles in our lives, but those struggles make us resilient. We are not defined by our past; however, it has made us who we are. Looking back at different situations, there are probably many things we wished would have been different or things we would have done differently; however, if we could go back and change things would we? It's possible that even if we changed certain events, that things might still turn out similarly. Growth is moving forward sometimes in spite of our circumstances. Growth isn't an easy or fast process. Growth is truly a journey to knowing ourselves more fully and allowing others to know us. Life can be incredibly difficult at times, but once we reach a time that feels more stable, there is contentment. I leave you with this: Enjoy the journey, even in its toughest times, because it will eventually get better.

Hello again. So, this is the second blog post. I thought since I discussed dreams last time, that I would do fear next. I’m not going to lie I’ve started and stopped this one several times because I didn’t feel it was good enough...fear... So, here we go...fear. What are some of your biggest fears and how do they impact your dreams, and your life? As previously stated in the last blog, some will thrive on a healthy amount of fear, but others will let their fear do toxic amounts of damage I’m not saying that we don’t have things that happen in our lives that can promote fear, I’m suggesting it’s how we handle it that determines where we go. We can thrive through the fear, or we can desegregate from the fear. In reality we all have fears, some big, some small. How do you handle your fear? How do you face it? Is it a daily fear or something bigger? Who do you talk to? Where do you go? Is there a pattern of how you handle your fears? And I guess one of the biggest questions is, where does the fear come from? What’s at the root of the biggest fear you have? Maybe if you can pinpoint that fear, you can defeat it. Maybe after you defeat it your depression and anxiety are lessened. Maybe not, but what would it be like to be fearless? What would your life look like if you were fearless, even just for a day? So I guess that’s the challenge I leave you with, be fearless and see what happens.

This is my first blog ever! There’s so much that I want to say, but I’ve decided that picking a topic is the best way to go. So, I’ll start with what’s your biggest dream? When we were kids, it was easy to dream and dream big. Some would say they wanted to be astronauts, doctors, lawyers, dancers, etc. What happened on the day we stopped dreaming big? What happened on the day we began to be practical knowing the challenges the adult world gave us? What happened to the kid that thought he could dig his way to the other side of the world? I would venture a guess, life. Something happens in everyone’s life when they realize they need to ale a life for themselves and no longer have time to dream. I would dare you to dream today. What is something you have always wanted to do, but fear held you back? I do not say dream without some practicality though, because there will be struggle in attaining your dreams. There will be failures and mistakes along the way, but why put off doing something you love versus something you tolerate? The unknown is a scary place to be, but not trying is a scarier place. Just think of all the things you might have missed out on if you didn’t take the leap. We all want to succeed without going through rejection or pain, but in reality the struggle is what makes the success sweeter. One of the best examples that comes to mind, is JK Rowling, she took her manuscript to 30 publishers before Harry Potter was published. Can you imagine the rejection and failure she had to feel? However, she persevered, because she knew Harry Potter was great and needed to be read. If she had given up after even the 29th publisher, we would have never experienced Harry Potter. Going through the struggle makes the success sweeter. I hope that you can put back the fear and dream big again.

Hi all! It's been a while, and I wanted to start this next blog with a bang. Communicating with those we love can be joyous as well as frustrating. Some things to think about when we are trying to communicate something that makes us feel more vulnerable: What are we wanting to convey to this person? What do we want to get out of this conversation? How can I discuss this topic from a place of care rather than retaliation? How can we reach a place of understanding (even if that place is agreeing to disagree)? These are just some of the questions that can help us have productive conversations. Some things to think about when being on the receiving end of a hard conversation: What is this person trying to tell me? Is this person coming from a place of love or retaliation? Many times, those that we care about are coming from a place of hurt and vulnerability when they bring up the harder conversations. They are probably trying to come from a place of love; however, the delivery might not make it seem that way. Giving those you love some compassion, and the benefit of the doubt will generally help the conversations to go better than expected. This does not mean that every conversation will be easy and fix everything immediately, but it can make it so both people feel heard and understood. If you feel that the person is attempting to retaliate, ask clarifying questions so that you can better understand where they are coming from. We are not going to communicate perfectly every time; however, trying to work on effectively communicate with those we love creates deeper connection. We all come from different backgrounds and experiences, so we look at how our loved ones communicate through those lenses. Our perception dictates how we hear what our loved ones are saying. Remember that your perception of what is said does not mean that that was your loved one's intent. Utilizing clarifying questions while communicating and not making assumptions allows your perceptions to change, at least for that person. Communication is vital to a relationship. Communication creates trust while lack of communication breaks trust. *(This blog topic does not include abusive relationships)

Over the past few weeks many are grieving for different reasons. Grief is something that we all experience at some point in our lives. Grief is defined as: intense emotional suffering and mental anguish caused by loss, most commonly the death of a loved one, but also other significant losses like a divorce, job loss, or serious illness. Grief is a personal, complex, and often unpredictable process involving feelings of sadness, anger, loneliness, and confusion, and can also manifest in physical symptoms such as sleep changes. Grief is something that does not have an end date. Grief is fluid and unexplainable at times. When people experience grief they often do not seem like themselves, and due to the change it can impact relationships positively or negatively. People often experience the 5 stages of grief; however, not always in an order that makes sense. The 5 stages of grief are: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. Many people assume that one goes through the stages linearly; however, most people go through the stages all at once bouncing between them in an unexplainable order. Denial : It is not abnormal to ignore that the loss or change isn’t occurring or being in disbelief. Denying its occurrence gives the person time to process the grief. It is a common defense mechanism to numb the intensity of the situation so the brain can process through the pain more slowly. Anger : Anger is usually masking the emotions that are too painful to process. Anger is a secondary emotion that is generally shown when covering up pain, hurt, or sadness. It may be redirected to others, while your brain is processing through the intense emotions. Bargaining : In this stage people tend to create “what if” and “if only” scenarios to work through or postpone their grief. This can be seen as a defense mechanism to process through the emotions of grief, which may also postpone sadness, confusion, or hurt. During this time, you may feel vulnerable, helpless, and out of control. Depression : In this stage, people may be able to work through grief in an effective manner. They may isolate from others in order to cope with loss. Like the other stages of grief, it can feel overwhelming, foggy, heavy, and confusing. Depression may feel like the inevitable landing point of any loss, but as with the other stages people are not stuck here. Acceptance : Acceptance does not mean there is a happy ending to grief, or that a person has moved past it; however, it does mean that a person has accepted it. The person has an understanding how life has been impacted and changed, a new normal and learning how to live a new normal. Grief is not something that is easily moved on from. Grief is a process and a constant choice of acceptance that things will not be as they once were. My challenge to you, be kind to yourself and know that grief doesn't have a time stamp, so allow yourself all the time you need to grieve. " There are three needs of the griever: To find the words for the loss, to say the words aloud and to know that the words have been heard." Victoria Alexander "The most beautiful people we have known are those who have known defeat, known suffering, known struggle, known loss, and have found their way out of the depths. These persons have an appreciation, a sensitivity, and an understanding of life that fills them with compassion, gentleness, and a deep loving concern. Beautiful people do not just happen." Dr. Elisabeth Kubler-Ross "It's so curious: one can resist tears and 'behave' very well in the hardest hours of grief. But then someone makes you a friendly sign behind a window, or one notices that a flower that was in bud only yesterday has suddenly blossomed, or a letter slips from a drawer... and everything collapses." Colette "Life is not the way it is supposed to be. It is the way it is. The way you cope with it is what makes the difference." Virginia Satir